Chapter 9: Overcoming Challenges and Growing Stronger Together
Facing Trials with Faith and a Team Mindset
Every marriage will have ups and downs—whether they come in the form of something from outside of your relationship like financial struggles, health issues, or family conflicts, or internal challenges like miscommunication, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations. Challenges are inevitable, but how you approach them can make all the difference. Facing trials together as a team, grounded in faith, transforms difficult seasons into opportunities for growth, deeper connection, and reliance on God.
One of the most important decisions we made early in our marriage when I was searching for ways to use our marriage as worship, was to never speak of, or even consider, the “D-word”—di*orce ( I won't even write it). For us, it became a non-negotiable. A written in stone truth we share about our marriage. By intentionally removing any mention of the words separation or di*orce from our vocabulary, we made a decision to face every challenge together, no matter how tough it got. By eliminating the option of giving up, we committed to finding a way through every difficulty—with God’s guidance. This mindset has kept us united, knowing that no matter what comes our way, walking away is simply not an option.
There was a really dark time early in our marriage when things almost didn't work. I don't like to think about that negative time in our life, so I won’t go into all the details, but it was a deeply painful period. In one of our arguments before we had made this agreement together, I said the “D-word,” and immediately, it felt like it ripped my heart out. Our relationship immediately got worse from that moment on, almost to the point of being unfixable. We were on our last thread, and once I said the “D-word”, everything got much worse, much faster. The pain of saying that word haunted me, and I kept replaying it in my mind. After some time had passed and we were finally starting to heal, I shared with my wife how much that moment weighed on me, and I promised her I would never say that word again. Just remembering the moment of saying that word still hurts me today, even writing this I feel the pain of that moment. I never want you to feel that pain. She made the same promise to me. From that day forward, the word 'di*orce' became a non-existent concept in our marriage. That promise alone created a bond we hadn’t expected—it was one of the first big steps toward the God filled marriage we have today. The simple act of committing to never let the idea of separation enter our conversations changed the way we approached our relationship. We began to see our marriage as something permanent, unbreakable, and designed to honor God. Now, looking back, making the promise to each other to not say that word, I believe that moment was pleasing to God and He saw our pain, but He also saw our desires and our hearts for each other and healed us from the inside and helped us find the path we are now on. I think the decision to not say that word was my first, real act of worshiping God through my marriage.
When challenges arise in your marriage, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, to withdraw, or to place blame. But instead of allowing trials to divide you, make the conscious choice to face them as a team. This means choosing to see the challenge not as “my problem” or “your problem,” but as “our problem.” It means committing to support each other, to communicate openly, and to seek God’s guidance in every situation.
Leaning on God During Difficult Seasons of Marriage
One of the most powerful ways to overcome challenges in your marriage is by leaning on God for strength, wisdom, and guidance. There will be times when you don’t have all the answers, when you don’t know what to do, and when the weight of the trial feels heavy. In those moments, turning to God in prayer, seeking His presence, and trusting in His promises can bring comfort, clarity, and hope. If you are having a difficult time in your marriage, or when you do, pray. If you are not someone who prays often, or wholeheartedly, you may think prayer wont work or won't help. I did. Most of my life I actually felt like prayer was just speaking into a void. With the billions of souls on earth and the billions and billions more that ever existed, why would God need to hear the prayers of one small person? But, now through the eyes of my experience, I can tell you, and I promise you, prayer brings change and comfort. I promise it does! If you mean it, if you intend to truly lay your problems at God's feet, if you pray for healing and for help with your struggles in your marriage, God will be there for you. Seriously, this is real! If you pray for your marriage, the Holy Spirit will start to fill it. I wish I had a way to really make this real for you using just words, but even as I type I am getting tears in my eyes because I now finally understand the power of prayer and what it can really do for your marriage. Having the Holy Spirit in your marriage is, I can't explain it, but there is a joy that you can't experience anywhere else that comes from it. I want so badly for you to have this same joy. And you can have it, and honestly, it isn't that hard to have it and it doesn't take long as long as you are intentional in inviting the Holy Spirit into your marriage. Please, follow the path I have made for you to be able to invite the Holy Spirit into your relationship. It doesn't have to take as long for you as it did for me. Experience this joy. Please.
Leaning on God during difficult seasons is about recognizing that He is with you, that He sees your struggles, and that He cares about every aspect of your marriage. It’s about surrendering your fears, worries, and uncertainties to Him and allowing His peace to guard your hearts and minds. When you lean on God, you’re acknowledging that you can’t face the challenges of life on your own—and you don’t have to.
In our marriage, leaning on God in the midst of trials became our source of strength. There were moments when we felt overwhelmed, when the challenges seemed too big for us to handle, and when we didn’t know what steps to take. But when we came together in prayer, laid our burdens at God’s feet, and asked for His guidance, we found that His presence brought a sense of peace that allowed us to move forward with confidence.
Philippians 4:6-7 encourages us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Anxiety, while a natural human response, never serves a helpful purpose. It clouds our minds, fuels our fears, and distances us from trusting God fully.
There was a time early in our marriage when bedtime was something I feared. This was during the time mentioned earlier I don’t want to give details on. The closeness that came with laying beside my wife felt overwhelming, but not in a good way. Instead of feeling comforted and connected, I felt bitter and distant. It wasn’t because we didn’t love each other, but because our marriage was built on earthly concerns at the time. We were focused on the stresses of life—work, finances, kids, day-to-day frustrations—and those worries seeped into every part of our relationship, including the moments we were supposed to be closest. Rather than being a place of peace, bedtime became a reminder of how far we had drifted emotionally and spiritually.
The fear I had wasn’t just about the physical closeness, but about the emotional vulnerability that came with it. Bedtime is supposed to be a place of connection, where you can let your guard down and simply be with your spouse. But when your marriage isn’t centered on God, that intimacy can feel daunting. I realized that the reason I was so uncomfortable was because we weren’t inviting God into our marriage, especially during these most intimate moments. Our marriage was based on earthly concerns, and without God at the center, everything felt unstable. It was easier to avoid that vulnerability than to face the fact that something was missing in our relationship.
Transformation Through Worship and Prayer
It wasn’t until we began to realign our marriage with worship that things started to transform. We slowly started inviting God into the most vulnerable parts of our relationship, and that included the moments we shared in bed. By focusing on worshiping God through our marriage, we found that bedtime became a place of peace, not fear. It became a time of emotional and spiritual renewal, a time when the worries of the day could be laid down, and we could reconnect with each other in the presence of God. Now, bed time is the time we cherish most. We look forward to it during the day. On any given day, we will send at least 10 texts to each other saying how excited we are to cuddle up that night. Right now, as I write this, it is 1:47pm. I just checked my text messages and we have already mentioned being excited about cuddles 6 times. I don't live to be in bed, or to sleep, I live to hold my wife. The moment of closeness with her, holding her tight against me, that’s heaven. No matter what is going on in the world, no matter what troubles we have, if I am holding my wife, nothing will bother me. The moments of having her close to me fills me with so much joy I can't even think about what is outside of our room, or that moment.
The transformation didn’t happen overnight, but slowly, as we began to prioritize worship and prayer together, bedtime became something we looked forward to. It became a sanctuary, a safe place where we could be fully ourselves, with each other and with God. The fear that had once gripped me was replaced with a profound sense of peace and gratitude. The marriage bed, once a place of anxiety, became a place of healing, comfort and absolute joy.
By aligning our marriage with worship, we found that bedtime became a daily renewal of our love and commitment. It was no longer a time of dread or avoidance, but a time to reconnect, to hold each other without the weight of the world on our shoulders. The closeness that had once felt suffocating became a reminder of the bond we shared, not just with each other, but with God. Every night became an opportunity to reset, to let go of any frustrations or worries, and to simply be present with one another, knowing that God was at the center of it all.
When I look back on that time in our marriage, I realize how far we’ve come. The anxiety I once felt has been replaced with joy and peace. Bedtime is now one of my favorite parts of the day—a time to hold my wife, and to rest in the knowledge that God is with us. The transformation that took place in our marriage is a testament to the power of worship and the importance of keeping God at the center of every part of your relationship, even the most intimate moments.
I’ve reached a point in my life where anxiety no longer controls me—it took years of intentional and deliberate work to get there, but now, I choose that nothing gets me upset or anxious. Period. This didn’t happen overnight, but it’s one of the greatest blessings in my life. By intentionally seeking God’s peace and practicing calmness, I now experience very little stress, and that peace extends into every area of my life, including my marriage. If my house burned down today, I would be cuddling my wife in a hotel and happily praising God tonight and thanking Him for the memories at that home. If I lost a leg, I would praise God and Thank him for the time I had with two legs, and thank him for giving me the opportunity to have a fancy new cool one. In any moment, I will find the silver lining, and be full of happiness and joy.
This kind of peace isn’t unattainable, but it requires effort. It’s something we have to work on, consistently seeking strength and comfort in each other and in God. If your spouse is feeling stressed or overwhelmed, be the strong one who provides calm and encouragement—even if you aren’t feeling completely calm on the inside, offer them that external strength. Even if you have had an incredibly stressful day, and your spouse has had stress too, let them talk it out first. Sacrifice your own need to vent to let them, and then you can speak. But, put their needs first. And when the roles are reversed, trust that they’ll be there to lend you their strength when you need it. By supporting each other in this way, you create a powerful bond that allows you to face challenges with courage and confidence.
Growing Stronger Through Shared Adversity
Adversity has a way of bringing people closer together, especially when you choose to face it with love, grace, and a commitment to grow. When you walk through difficult seasons hand in hand, you’re not only overcoming the challenge—you’re building a deeper bond, strengthening your trust, and learning what it means to truly be there for each other.
For us, some of our strongest moments of connection came during times of hardship. There were days when we felt like we were at the end of our rope, but those were also the days when we saw each other’s character, strength, and faith shine through. There were times when we didn’t know what the future held, but those were the times when we learned to lean on each other and to trust that God was leading us, even when we couldn’t see the way forward.
I can share an example of hardships bringing us closer together. I have had two major knee surgeries on the same knee. I served in two branches of the military, was a powerlifter, practiced MMA for 6 years, I drove my knees into the ground, and eventually had to have surgery. Both times (but especially the first), the surgeries were incredibly invasive and had me in incredible pain and laid up in bed for over a month, both times. And, both times I was expected to be walking out that day, and both times the surgeons were surprised by what they found and it was a much, much bigger job than anyone was expecting. The severity of these surgeries, both times, was a surprise. I couldn't help with our businesses, our kids, meals…I couldn't even get to the bathroom without help. Being a vet, I was using the VA for my medicine and to keep people from becoming hooked on pain pills, the VA will not give you a full order. They expect you to go through some time with pain to not be on them the entire time. So, my wife would have to make a drive that was about 5 hours each time to get my medicine. She would have to cancel clients, move classes in our gym around, she sacrificed. She would have to adjust my leg so it hurt less because I couldn't move it at all. She had to take me to appointments and miss work. I can't really stress how physically and emotionally painful and difficult this time was. She was so stressed, that poor wife of mine, she was overwhelmed and overworked. Even though it was so long ago, I still regularly tell her thank you for all she did for me. I still show her gratitude for her effort, and love, when I needed it most. As hard as it was on me, emotionally, it was devastating on her. She was so exhausted. I felt incredible pain, but intense love from her. I remind her how much that time meant to me, and even though I would, I hope we are never in a position where I get to return that help. It has been years, and I still regularly show gratitude to her, and she appreciates it. Showing gratitude is one of the easiest ways to increase the strength of your marriage. Find a reason to thank them, and do so often, even if it is something from years past.
Growing stronger through shared adversity means making a choice to support each other, to be patient with each other, and to extend grace even when emotions are high. It means holding on to the truth that your marriage is worth fighting for, that God is with you in every struggle, and that every trial is an opportunity to grow closer to each other and closer to Him.
Practical Steps for Overcoming Challenges in Your Marriage
Remove the “D-word” From Your Vocabulary
Make a commitment to never speak the word "d******" in your marriage, even while joking. By eliminating this word from your conversations, you create a foundation of security and commitment. When you know that walking away is not an option, you will approach every challenge with the mindset that you are in this together, with God at the center.Speak Life Into Each Other During Difficult Times
When your spouse is going through a tough moment or day, make it a habit to speak life into them. Let them know that you see their struggles, appreciate their strength, and recognize their efforts. Speaking words of encouragement and gratitude during difficult times helps uplift your spouse and fosters a sense of unity.Develop a Resilient Mindset Together
When challenges arise, ask each other, “How can we grow through this?” Instead of seeing trials as setbacks, choose to view them as opportunities to strengthen your bond and deepen your faith. Trust that God is using every challenge to shape you into the couple He’s called you to be.
