Chapter 3: Building Unity and Oneness
The Meaning of Unity in Marriage
Marriage can feel like a constant balancing act sometimes, right? Between work, family, bills, and the endless demands of life, it’s easy to feel stretched thin and lose sight of the person you’re doing life with—your spouse. Marriage isn’t just about managing through the daily grind or keeping the peace. It’s about something so much deeper. Unity in marriage is about truly living in sync with your spouse, building a partnership so strong that, no matter what life throws your way, you’re in it together, fully connected.
When the Bible talks about a husband and wife becoming “one flesh,” it’s describing something much deeper than simply sharing a home or responsibilities. In Ephesians 5:31-33, Paul is quoting Genesis 2:24 when he says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This isn’t just about closeness; it’s a profound, soul-deep unity, where two people become inseparably connected on every level—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Marriage is designed to create a bond that is as close as possible, reflecting a life fully shared and intertwined.
Then Paul goes further, saying, “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” In biblical terms, a “mystery” is something that was hidden but is now revealed. Here, Paul is revealing that marriage itself was created to be a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church(us). This isn’t just two people committing to each other—it’s a living picture of how Christ loves the Church. Just as Christ gave everything, even His life, for the Church, marriage calls for a similar love—sacrificial, unbreakable, and fully committed.
Finally, Paul brings it back to practical terms, saying, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” For husbands, this is a call to love sacrificially, to care for and cherish their wives as deeply as they care for themselves. For wives, respecting their husbands means valuing and supporting them, building a relationship rooted in mutual honor.
Together, these verses reveal something amazing about marriage: it’s not just a partnership, but a sacred relationship meant to reflect God’s own love. This is the essence of marriage as worship. When we embrace this kind of love and unity, our marriage becomes a living reflection of God’s love for His people—one that is deeply committed, united, and full of grace. Through love, respect, and mutual sacrifice, we have the opportunity to live out a relationship that mirrors the one God desires with each of us. This understanding of “one flesh” is the heart of a God-centered marriage, setting the foundation for everything that follows in this journey.
I read these verses and realized that my instructions as a husband is to literally love my wife the way Jesus loves me. Trying to wrap my head around how to love like Jesus has been a hard lift.
This unity though, it doesn’t just happen. It’s not like you say, “I do,” and suddenly, you’re perfectly united forever. No, unity in marriage is something you build, something you intentionally create together, day by day, through small acts of love, through grace, and by the choices you make to prioritize each other. Unity takes effort, and it’s worth every bit of that effort because when you’re united with your spouse, you become unstoppable. When you have that kind of deep connection, you’re not just surviving the challenges of life, you’re thriving through them—together.
Now, unity doesn’t mean you have to lose your individuality. In fact, the differences between you and your spouse are often the very things that make your relationship stronger. You were created unique for a reason, and so was your spouse. My wife and I are opposites in so many ways. She’s extroverted, and I’m introverted. She’s creative, and I’m more logic-focused. But instead of those differences pulling us apart, they’ve actually helped us grow closer. Her strengths fill in where I might be weaker, and vice versa. That’s what unity in marriage is all about—bringing your individual strengths and weaknesses together to form something even stronger than you could be on your own.
When you embrace each other’s differences rather than trying to change them, that’s when true unity is born. It’s a beautiful thing when you realize that God put you and your spouse together not despite your differences, but because of them. God designed you to complement one another, to grow together in ways that make both of you better. And when you embrace that, you experience a level of connection that is life-changing.
Understanding God’s Design for Unity
God’s design for unity in marriage is nothing short of incredible. It’s a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church—a unity built on love, sacrifice, and mutual respect. When God said in Genesis that a husband and wife should become "one flesh," He wasn’t just giving us a poetic line for wedding invitations. He was laying out a blueprint for marriage—a vision that calls us to something higher, something deeper. Unity in marriage reflects God’s perfect love for us, a love that is unbreakable, unconditional, and selfless.
One thing I’ve discovered in my marriage is that the closer I get to God, the closer I get to my wife. Having God at the center of our marriage has brought us closer in ways I couldn’t have imagined. As I pursued a deeper relationship with God, our marriage improved. The more I focused on God’s will for my life, the more connected we became. When God is the head of your marriage, everything else falls into place.
There’s a passage in John 17:21 where Jesus prays for unity among His followers, asking that they be united just as He and the Father are one. Think about that for a moment—Jesus prayed for us to have unity on the level of the Trinity, the perfect unity between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That’s the kind of unity God wants for your marriage too. It’s a unity where you and your spouse are fully united in purpose, vision, and faith. And when God is at the center, your marriage becomes unshakable.
But unity doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or avoiding conflict. True unity is about making decisions together, prioritizing your marriage, and aligning your hearts with God’s will. It’s about living in a way where your individual goals, dreams, and desires come together as part of a shared journey. It’s about recognizing that, together, you can accomplish so much more than you ever could on your own.
When my wife and I started to understand this, our mindset and actions started to change. We realized that unity wasn’t about just being on the same page; it was about being united in purpose, vision, and faith. When you’re united in those areas, your marriage becomes a force to be reckoned with. No matter what comes your way—whether it’s financial stress, health challenges, or disagreements—you can face it together with strength because you’re working as one.
Building Unity Through Selfless Actions
One of the most powerful ways to build unity in marriage is through selflessness. Something you are probably just realizing is that being selfless doesn’t always come naturally, does it? It’s easy to think about what we want, how we feel, or what we need at the moment. But unity in marriage is built when you consciously make the decision to put your spouse’s needs before your own.
And here’s what’s so amazing about selflessness—it doesn’t just strengthen your marriage bond, it draws you closer to God. When you serve your spouse selflessly, you’re putting love into action, and that’s where true unity is built. It’s not about grand gestures or elaborate plans; it’s about the small, everyday choices to show constant gratitude, love and serve one another.
Unity grows when you choose to put your spouse’s needs above your own, even in the little things. It’s about serving each other without expecting anything in return. When you do that, you’re not just helping out around the house or being nice—you’re building a bond that goes deeper than words. You’re showing your spouse that they matter, that their well-being is THE priority to you.
Deepening Emotional and Spiritual Unity
Unity in marriage isn’t just about working together—it’s about connecting on an emotional and spiritual level. Emotional unity is built through intentional communication, support, and the way you share life together. One of the best ways to build emotional unity is by checking in with each other regularly. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out conversation—just taking the time to ask, “How was your day?” or “How are you feeling?” can go a long way in building that sense of closeness.
For us, many of those moments of connection happen during our daily drives. We’ll talk about everything from how our day is going to what’s on our hearts. It’s in those simple moments—when we’re just talking, laughing, or even sitting in comfortable silence—that our emotional unity is built. Those small check-ins help us stay in tune with each other, and they remind us that we’re in this together.
Making Time for Shared Joy and Growth
Focusing on building unity in marriage isn’t all about the serious stuff—there’s a lot of joy in it too! One of the best ways to build unity is by making time for shared activities that bring you joy. For us, one of our favorite ways to connect is through our weekly “meanders.” Once a week on a day off, we get in the car and just drive. No destination in mind, no agenda—just the two of us, exploring new places, talking, and spending time together. We look for a direction, and just go in it.
But our meanders aren’t just about having fun or exploring—they’ve become a powerful form of church for us. During the week, I’ll find sermons or other religious content for us to listen to while we drive. We listen, reflect, and pause to talk about what we’ve heard. Sometimes, we’ll put on an episode of The Chosen and pause it to discuss the biblical lessons together. It’s in these moments that we not only deepen our connection with each other but also grow closer to God. It is also a way to watch each other's spiritual growth in real time. We talk about things we have been exploring, new concepts we’re learning about, different ways we are starting to translate a verse. It is always a really wonderful way to spend time together. One of my absolute favorite things on earth, something that brings me real, true and pure joy, is watching my wife grow in her faith by the questions she asks, or statements she makes or thoughts she has been having. These meanders are the perfect way to get to do that. Our meanders have become a cherished part of our week—a time for spiritual growth and shared joy. We will drive with no destination in mind, stop at random places, listen to sermons or other biblical teachings, have brunch, and continue. These meanders are not planned, but we typically have so much fun together they will typically last the entire day. We are just happy to be spending that time together, and growing in our faith while exploring and creating memories together.
Shared joy is one of the most powerful ways to build unity. When you laugh together, explore together, and experience life together, you create memories that hold you together when life gets tough. So, don’t underestimate the power of having fun with your spouse. It’s in those joyful moments that unity really takes root. Every opportunity that you have, show gratitude to your spouse for these random drives. Let them know you appreciate taking deliberate effort to connect and have gratitude for their efforts.
Practical Steps for Building Unity and Oneness in Your Marriage
1. Practice Active Listening Without Trying to Fix
Take time each day to ask your spouse about their day. Listen without interrupting or offering solutions unless they ask. If you absolutely must speak up, ask, “Do you want me to fix or listen?” This helps build emotional unity by showing your spouse that you value their feelings.
2. Introduce Prayer with Gratitude
If praying together is new for you, start by expressing gratitude in your prayers. A simple prayer before meals, thanking God for your spouse and the blessings of the day, can help you build spiritual unity and invite God into your marriage.
3. Start a "Weekly Meander"
Find time each week for a "meander" of your own. Whether it’s a walk or a drive, use this time to connect, have fun, and grow together spiritually. Discuss a sermon, reflect on a Bible verse, or just enjoy each other’s company. These moments of shared joy strengthen your bond and build unity.
Building unity in marriage is a journey made up of all the little choices you make each day—to love, to serve, and to draw closer to each other. When you invite God into that journey, He strengthens your bond in ways you can’t even imagine. So keep choosing each other, keep showing up for your marriage, and watch as God brings blessings you never expected. With Him at the center, your relationship becomes not only stronger but a true reflection of His love.
