Chapter 6: Cultivating Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy
Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy as an Act of Worship
When we talk about intimacy in marriage, it’s easy to think of it in terms of physical connection. But true intimacy goes far beyond the physical—it’s about cultivating emotional and spiritual closeness, the kind of intimacy that touches your heart and soul. This kind of connection turns your marriage into a living act of worship to God. Emotional and spiritual intimacy is about opening your hearts to one another and to God, allowing Him to be the center of your relationship.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." This verse speaks directly to the power of spiritual intimacy within a marriage. Remember, you are one strand, your spouse is one strand, the other strand is God. When you, your spouse, and God are interwoven, your relationship is strengthened. The more you invite God into your connection, the deeper your emotional bond will grow, and the more your marriage will reflect His love and purpose.
In my own journey, I found that intimacy became an act of worship when we began to intentionally pursue it—not just as a nice addition to our marriage, but as something essential to honoring God through our relationship. We didn’t arrive at emotional and spiritual intimacy overnight, but by choosing daily to connect deeply with one another and with God, it transformed the way we loved each other.
Ephesians 4:2-3 reminds us, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Building emotional and spiritual intimacy requires that same humility, patience, and commitment to unity. It’s about choosing, day by day, to seek your spouse’s heart, to love them unconditionally, and to grow together in faith.
Creating Safe Spaces for Vulnerability and Deep Connection
One of the most crucial parts of cultivating emotional and spiritual intimacy is creating a safe space in your marriage. Safe spaces are where both of you can be completely open, honest, and vulnerable. They are where intimacy flourishes because you know you are accepted just as you are. These spaces allow you to speak freely, without fear of judgment or rejection, and they are essential for a thriving marriage.
1 Peter 3:7 offers wisdom on how to approach your spouse with understanding and respect: "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives… so that nothing will hinder your prayers." This is a key verse for cultivating intimacy because it reminds us that when we live with love, gentleness, and understanding, it opens the door for a deep connection—not just with our spouse, but also with God.
One way my wife and I create safe spaces in our marriage is through what we call our “weekly meanders.” These are times when we simply get in the car with no destination, no agenda—just a shared purpose to connect. During these drives, we talk openly about what’s on our hearts, discuss any struggles we’re facing, or simply enjoy each other’s company. It’s become this special time where we both know we can speak freely, and just be present together, without distractions. For us, these drives are more than just time together; they’re a place where we feel truly heard and genuinely loved.
Creating a safe space in your marriage means listening with empathy and compassion. When your spouse opens up about something personal, it’s natural to want to jump in with advice or try to fix things. But real intimacy comes when you choose to listen without feeling the need to solve anything—when you’re just there, fully present, offering support and understanding. James 1:19 gives us a powerful reminder to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” This verse is like a blueprint for building emotional closeness because it teaches us to make listening and understanding our first priorities.
Safe spaces require consistency. It’s not enough to have one deep conversation and then move on. Emotional and spiritual intimacy are built through regular, intentional moments of connection. Whether it’s taking time at the end of each day to check in, or setting aside a weekly date night, these habits build trust and deepen your connection over time. You really want to intentionally create a safe space somewhere in your marriage where you both have the freedom to be open. It is a very comforting thing when you have to speak and know that you can do so freely without being judged or condemned.
When we invite God into our marriage on a daily basis, something extraordinary happens. We begin to experience God first hand—not just as individuals, but as a couple. This experience is sacred and life-changing. It’s in these moments of intimacy, where we open our hearts fully to each other and to God, that we feel the Holy Spirit working within our marriage. The joy of the Holy Spirit doesn’t just fill us individually; it fills our marriage, becoming the glue that binds us together in unity, love, and understanding. Marriage becomes the place where we experience the fullness of God’s joy and peace.
Jesus said in John 15:11, "These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full." God’s joy is not fleeting. It’s enduring, everlasting, and meant to saturate every part of our lives—including our marriages. When we allow the Holy Spirit to move in our relationship, we begin to experience that joy in profound ways. This joy strengthens our bond, filling the emotional and spiritual gaps that we sometimes try to fill with other things. It’s the kind of joy that surpasses circumstances because it’s rooted in God’s eternal presence. There is no greater source of peace and fulfillment than experiencing the Holy Spirit working within your marriage. I want you to know that the joy experienced by the Holy Spirit is real. You can absolutely feel it and recognize it growing in your relationship. It is a real presence, and it is amazing, and fills you full of joy. I want you to have this joy too. You can have this joy. You don’t have to work for it for years like I did. I took the long way to this joy, but now I have created a path for you to be a shortcut. I want this for you—follow this path, embrace these words, and let the Holy Spirit fill your marriage with the kind of joy, peace and happiness that’s truly life-changing.
This experience of joy through the Holy Spirit isn’t limited to the big moments in marriage; it permeates even the small, everyday interactions. It transforms how we see each other, how we communicate, and how we support one another. Holding hands during prayer, sharing a quiet moment together, or even laughing over something small becomes sacred when God is at the center of your relationship. The Holy Spirit brings a depth of connection that goes beyond the surface. These small moments become acts of worship, and the joy of the Lord becomes a sustaining force in your marriage, creating a spiritual foundation that lasts a lifetime.
Can you imagine feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit while you’re simply watching TV with your spouse, wrestling around playfully, or just sharing a quiet moment together? You can—and you will—literally feel the Holy Spirit moving through these small moments. This is real, and it’s powerful. I can’t say it enough: the Holy Spirit’s presence in your everyday moments together is absolutely real. If you’ve ever longed to feel the Holy Spirit, to truly experience the presence of God, you can do it right now—by loving your spouse in the ways I’m sharing with you.
Spiritual Practices to Strengthen Your Bond
One of the most powerful ways to deepen spiritual intimacy is by sharing your faith together. This might mean praying together, reading Scripture, or simply talking about what God is teaching you. Spiritual intimacy is about aligning your hearts with God and with each other. As Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Praying together is one of the most intimate things you can do as a couple because it invites God’s presence into your relationship.
Celebrating Wins and Supporting Struggles
Emotional and spiritual intimacy thrive when you make it a habit to celebrate each other’s successes and support each other in tough times. Marriage isn’t just about walking through challenges together—it’s also about rejoicing in the victories, both big and small. Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." When you celebrate your spouse’s strengths and walk through struggles together, you help each other grow, both emotionally and spiritually.
Make it a point to speak life into your spouse. Encourage them in their dreams, recognize their hard work in and out of the home, and celebrate even the smallest wins. When your spouse feels seen and valued, it strengthens your emotional connection and fosters a deeper sense of unity.
At the same time, when tough seasons come—and they will—choose to be your spouse’s biggest supporter. Be a safe place where they can express their fears, doubts, or struggles without feeling judged. Offer a listening ear, a prayer of encouragement, or simply a shoulder to lean on. This kind of support creates a bond that goes beyond the surface, building a marriage that is truly united.
Practical Steps for Cultivating Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy
1. Celebrate Each Other’s Wins—Big or Small
Make it a point to celebrate your spouse’s achievements, whether it’s something big like a work accomplishment or something small like completing a household task. But don’t just say “Good job”—say why it was a good job. Find real value in their actions, bring it to light, and celebrate them. You don’t want it to be empty or hollow but rather from the heart. It’s really easy to give a heartfelt compliment, especially when you’ve practiced this habit. As Proverbs 16:24 reminds us, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Celebrating your spouse’s efforts with genuine words can bring joy and strengthen your bond. Remember Rafiki holding baby Simba up for all to see? That is how you should be treating your spouse at all times. Holding them up so all the wolds can see their accomplishments.
2. Plan a “Cuddle Puddle” Day
Set aside a day each month where you turn off your phones, curl up together, watch movies, and spend the entire day cuddling and telling each other how much you love each other. We call these “Cuddle Puddle” days, and they’ve become one of our favorite ways to reconnect. It’s a time for intentional closeness and affection, a way to physically and emotionally bond. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Your cuddle puddle days will remind you of the warmth, care, and love you share as partners walking through life together.
